Forgiveness is commanded, but how do I do it?

My last blog focused on forgiveness and the fact that Jesus actually told us that if we forgive others, our Father will forgive us, but if we do not, He will not forgive us. For those who say they just can’t forgive someone, this should be scary! But understanding what Jesus actually commanded helps us understand that we can forgive. He didn’t tell us we need to feel good about someone or forget what someone did to us. He only told us that we are to forego our right to make them pay! Biblical forgiveness is canceling the debt incurred by the other’s actions.

As simple as this sounds, we often have problems living this out. But it is too important to ignore. So, in this installment, I offer a brief example of how someone can forgive—and deal with the injury in a spiritually and emotionally healthy way.

To forgive someone—to not make them pay for what they have done to us—we need to be honest with ourselves about three things:

1. Our active behavior. Are we doing anything to directly or indirectly make this person pay for what they did to us? If so, we simply need to stop it. It is important to note in this discussion that our forgiveness doesn’t preclude protecting someone—or doing something that might seem like punishment to the one we are forgiving when in fact it is best for them. For example, we can forgive a drunk driver, but that doesn’t mean we should try to help them avoid legal penalties which are designed to protect others and help the offender become sober.
2. Passive-aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behavior is something we do not do to cause difficulty for someone else. For example, withholding the truth when it might help someone we don’t want to help. Forgiveness includes not intentionally withholding some action that could help someone, in order to punish them.
3. Thoughts. This is more difficult for most of us. I can forgive someone but still rehearse in my mind what they did and what I would like to do to get back to them. I can do this without the other person even knowing it. I may not harm them by what I am doing. But I am definitely harming myself. Such thoughts keep me focused on someone else’s sin. It poisons my mind and keeps my thoughts and feelings focused on negative, poisonous things.

To stop this, I need to intentionally stop perseveration (the constant mental rehearsing of what happened and/or what I want to do to the other). But to do that, I have to substitute something else for those thoughts—otherwise, I’ll go right back to them. Paul recognized this when he wrote Philippians. He told the Philippian Christians to focus their minds on things that are good, rather than constantly rehearsing someone’s sin and our sinful response! He said, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. (Philippians 4:8, NIV)

There are three problems people often bring to me when they try to do this:

1. I don’t feel like it. This is the most common complaint—and the simplest to answer. God has not asked us to feel anything. He commanded us to do, or not do, something. We need to get past the contemporary belief that we should be guided by our feelings because they often lead us to great problems. Instead, we need to simply obey the one we call Lord.
2. I don’t see why I should forgive this person, because what they did was so bad. When someone says this, it betrays the belief that they are better than the person who needs forgiveness. It also betrays something else. In Luke 7:47 Jesus made it clear that the more we are forgiven, the more we love. Those who refuse to forgive often have not been forgiven themselves—or are not focused on their own forgiveness. We need to remember that, in God’s eyes, we are not better than anyone else. We are all sinners. So, regardless of what the other has done, if we remember what God has forgiven us, our need to forgive others will be obvious to us.
3. Something in me keeps bringing this back up. I just can’t let go of what the other has done. First, it is important to remember what was said at the beginning of this article—forgiveness is not making someone pay—it doesn’t involve changing our feelings, just our actions and perhaps our thoughts. However, if we experience this constant attack of memory of the other’s sin, we need to recognize the obvious: we have been wounded by what happened and that wound needs to heal. If it is happening the way we have described, it probably will not heal on its own. This is when working with a pastor, Christian counselor or another spiritual leader who understands forgiveness and emotional/spiritual healing is important.

Forgiving others is important—even commanded by our Lord—because it is central to our relationship with Jesus Himself. We can’t afford to ignore it or hope it will just take care of itself—it won’t. We are commanded to do it and we are capable of doing it. All that is left is to show our love and gratitude to our Lord by obeying Him and not making others pay.